Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Always Room For One Moore...

I realise there are many of these re-workings out there, but I don't care! Actual titles of games are the ones in italics, other stuff in bold.
In case you couldn't work that out for yourself...

The (Peter) Moore's Prayer

Our 360, which art in Virgin,

Halo be thy game,

Thy King Kong come, thy Whirlm be young,

On Middle Earth as it is on Yavin 4.

Give us this day our shambling undead,

And forgive us our Nintendogs,

As we forgive those who Viva Pinata against us.

Anti-trip lead us not into PLAYSTATION,

But deliver us from Evil Dead Regeneration.

For Ninety Nine Nights is the Kingdom Under Fire, the Power Stone and the Imperial Glory,

For Avalon and Eragon,

X-Men.

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Honour Among Data Thieves?

I work in a school as one of the ICT Technicians. Part of our duties is to police the way our pupils use the Internet – make sure they don’t look at porn or play games in lessons, that kind of thing. We have an excellent web filter in place, in which we can add, delete and edit every aspect of filtering; we can filter for groups (such as pupils), sub-groups (such as year groups or individuals), by content type (i.e. entertainment, games, adult) and much more besides. It is a very powerful tool in making sure kids do what they should and don’t do what they shouldn’t.

Except we have a major problem: Google. Or, to be more exact, Google Images. See, there is something about the way in which Google Images works that enables many pupils to get around our content filtering, although when the image is clicked on, it is normally blocked – but believe me when I say that kids under sixteen are perfectly happy with 50 X 50 pixel thumbnails on the Google Images index page.

So, as happens so rarely, I find myself and the American government in agreement; COPA (the Child Online Protection Act) is needed. For those unfamiliar with this piece of legislation, COPA was first introduced in the late-1990s, but was shot down by privacy groups and elements within the US government. The Act posited the view that current content filters, whether proprietary-ISP ones such as AOL, or corporate creations like we use, were inadequate to protect children from the seedy parts of the Web (which they are). It also wanted to provide far greater protection from paedophiles. Laudable aims, I think most would agree.
The current administration has attempted to revive it, possibly to pander to far-right Christian sentimentalities (although COPA does seems to be genuinely benign) but encountered some difficulties. From Google. In order for COPA to be passed, the Department of Justice was tasked with proving that such an Act was required. They came up with the idea to ask all the major Internet search engines (AOL, Yahoo!, MSN Search and Google) for all the searches from a certain month, but without any identifying information. This would show what percentage of searches, in a normal everyday period, were from people searching for child pornography-related material. It would also provide some clue as to how people (i.e. children) were perhaps getting round content filters.
AOL and Yahoo! immediately complied, with Microsoft following soon after. Google flat out refused to help. They were asked again; perhaps if they gave up a million random searches from a week instead, still shorn of all personally identifying information, maybe that would be more acceptable? Google point blank refused again. The Department of Justice, conscious that Google was the largest search engine in America and therefore vital for the success of COPA, served Google a subpoena to comply. Google, again, refused and took them to the press.

Google stated to the press that it was refusing on the grounds of protecting the privacy of its users; the Internet, after all, was all about freedom. Google was subsequently hailed as a hero for standing up to ‘The Man’. This must be a different, nastier ‘Man’ to the one in China, though, because they kow-towed to that one readily enough. People commenting on this case, including Google, also seemed to have missed the terms of the original and revised offers to Google; a million searches from the specified period, stripped of every single bit of identifying data, in order to preserve privacy. But they certainly seemed to relish the fact that Google had helped to make COPA a more difficult prospect.

This incident is notable to me for one reason; it was the first (and so far, only) time that reading people’s opinions has made me feel physically sick. Looking at people congratulating Google for refusing to hand over information that could not have identified people in any possible way but could have helped to save children’s innocence and possibly their lives, felt like people congratulating someone for burning a homosexual to death. What made it worse was a Google spokesperson claiming this as a “clear victory”. Yes, it was, but not for any decent, normal people.
On Internet discussions, I commented on this for a fair while and was staggered by the level of loyalty shown to Google (and corresponding ignorance of the case) by people who had no affiliation with them whatsoever. People said ‘Well, if the DoJ had asked nicely and on the quiet rather than just slapping them with a public subpoena and being all hard-arsed about it from the get-go, maybe Google would have complied. The DoJ deserved that slap in the face for being so heavy-handed’. At which point I would point out that the DoJ did ask quietly and nicely, twice. Google refused, twice, so got hit with a subpoena. At which point these people would respond with ‘This had nothing to do with COPA anyways – it’s all a ploy by the NSA…’ Hmm.

What really made me sick, however, was the sheer number of petty-minded people who said things along the lines of ‘Yes, we need to protect our children, but not at the expense of civil liberties.’ Okay, several things need to be said here: One; I pray that you people have no children, because saying your privacy is more important than their lives and well-being is selfishness on a staggering scale. Two (or ‘One and a Half-ly’): you have that the wrong way round my friend. What you meant to say, surely, was ‘We need to protect our civil liberties, but not at the expense of our children’s safety.’ Please, that is what you meant to say, wasn’t it? Three; what civil liberties could be impinged upon? The DoJ were asking for all identifying information to be removed. This isn’t some theoretical discussion about some possible information some government agency might ask for at some point in the future for some unannounced reason; this was definite, non-identifying information for the express and limited purpose of protecting our children. But these people forgot about all this; they saw red and rushed to defend poor, defenceless, innocent Google from the nasty men that wanted to help the wicked children.
People even advocated the argument that it would take ‘too long’ for Google to remove all the identifying information. Microsoft, AOL and Yahoo! managed to do it, why can’t Google? And since when should ‘takes too long’ ever be an excuse to not help children? But this is a moot point; Google refused to help the DoJ in any way whatsoever. I know this because I spent weeks trawling the net and Google press-releases, hoping to find what I was looking for. But I didn’t. What I wanted to find was a Google statement along the lines of ‘We do not agree with the DoJ’s request for this information as we feel that it infringes civil privacy. However, COPA is a necessary law and we applaud the DoJ for wanting to implement it. We are willing to work with the DoJ to find alternative methods of implementing COPA.’ But that statement does not exist – Google refused to even consider helping the DoJ find alternative methods of getting COPA off the ground. And, lo, the people they did rejoice.

Even the judge presiding over the case seemed to be actively helping to make COPA a more difficult prospect; he stated that as the other search giants had complied, the Department of Justice had all the required information and there was therefore no reason for Google to accede as well. Which begs the question: did the judge actually know anything about COPA and what was required? The DoJ needed a representative sample from all the search giants in order to find out how prevalent the issues were. Google is the largest of the search giants – almost all children will use it when trying to find things. Whether the other search engines complied or not is immaterial – the information from Google was vital for proving the breadth of the problem. Indeed, it could be argued that such is Google’s popularity as a search engine, that it is in fact the other search engines that were not required.

My final statement is this: what about the privacy of people in China? Google is a willing self-censor, actively blocking the people of China from free access to information. The actions of Google and the other companies working in China raise a very interesting point: for many years now, ISPs and search engines have repeatedly claimed that they are in no way responsible for policing the content they help people to find – it is too vast. Explicit pornography, paedophilia, drugs recipes, bomb-making instruction manuals, recordings of beheadings – these are all things which we have to live with and just learn to try and avoid. So how come a ten-year old in Brentford can watch a girl younger than he be raped then strangled, but a student in Beijing can’t see a man with a flag stand in front of a tank? Perhaps the Department of Justice went about things the wrong way after all – the real way to make Google comply is not to ask it nicely, or offer compromises, or to serve it court orders. It is merely to pay them.

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Monday, August 07, 2006

MacroAid - A Libel Case in Two Parts. Part Two.

Roll on prison. Yep, decided a cell-mate named 'Bubba' is better than a ten-minute grilling by the other annoying BBC presenter forenamed Jeremy (as opposed to this one).

So it's full-steam ahead for the SS Libel, sailed by Captain Slander, with this parody that has shamelessly stolen from Microsoft's Windows XP Home Edition End-User License Agreement.
You know, the thing you have to shred to pieces in order to get at that shiny, sparkly CD.

Gates Foundation (r) Sure-Start In Life 7 (tm) Individuals and Communities Edition

END-AID-USER (BENEFICIARY) LICENSE AGREEMENT



IMPORTANT-READ CAREFULLY: This End-Aid-User (Beneficiary) License Agreement ("EAU(B)LA") is a legal agreement between you (either an individual Aid beneficiary or a representative of an Aid-capable community) and the Aid-Supplier ("SUPPLIER") of the Aid-service or Aid-service packages ("AID-SERVICE") with which you acquired the Gates Foundation Aid-package(s) identified above ("AID").

The AID includes Gates Foundation Aid-packages, and may include associated services, printed pamphlets (currently only available in English, but if you go to a Gates Foundation school, you speak English anyway), advice from well-meaning but hypocritically wealthy, MTV-educated Western teenagers, or ambiguous Wikipedia-based guides, such as how to purify water by urinating in it. Note, however, that any aid, pamphlets, or advice/guides that are included in the AID, or accessible via the AID-program, and are accompanied by their own license agreements or terms of use are governed by such agreements rather than this EAU(B)LA. The terms of a printed, paper EAU(B)LA, which may accompany the AID, supersede the terms of any on-packet or from-Aid-worker EAU(B)LA.

This EAU(B)LA is valid and grants the End-Aid-User rights ONLY if the AID is genuine and a genuine ‘Prescription of Authenticity’ for the AID is included. For more information on identifying whether your AID is genuine, please see:

http://www.gatesfoundation.org/piracy/gar!/genuineprozac_howto.

By injecting, swallowing, applying or otherwise using the AID, you agree to be bound by the terms of this EAU(B)LA. If you do not agree to the terms of this EAU(B)LA, you may not use or share the AID, and you should promptly contact your Aid-Supplier for instructions on return of the unused Aid in accordance with the Aid-Supplier's return policies. Due to collection restraints, Livestock Aid cannot be returned. In circumstances where Livestock Aid is not required by you, please dispose of it safely and securely, in accordance with local Environmental Safety Regulations.

Aid-packages as a Component of the Aid - TRANSFER.
THIS LICENSE MAY NOT BE SHARED, TRANSFERRED TO OR USED CONCURRENTLY BY DIFFERENT INDIVIDUALS or COMMUNITIES. The AID is licensed with the INDIVIDUAL or COMMUNITY as a single integrated product and may only be used with the INDIVIDUAL or COMMUNITY which agreed to this EAU(B)LA. If the AID is not accompanied by new Gates Foundation-approved INFRASTRUCTURE, you may not use the AID.

You may permanently transfer all of your rights under this EAU(B)LA only as part of a permanent sale or transfer of the AID, provided you retain no reverse-engineered blueprints of medicine, nor any benefits as a result of Gates Foundation Aid-services, i.e. freshwater wells, electricity generators, roads, etc.
You may permanently transfer this EAU(B)LA only if you transfer all of the AID (including all food packages, any medicine and printed medical texts, any additional aid, this EAU(B)LA and the ‘Prescription of Authenticity’), and the recipient agrees to the terms of this EAU(B)LA. If the AID is an addition, any transfer must also include all prior distributions of AID, including but not limited to: older medicines; out-of-date advice; and less-modern farming implements. Any resultant offspring arising from Gates Foundation Livestock Aid remain the property of the Gates Foundation and must also be included in any transfer.

Mandatory Activation.

THIS AID SHIPS WITH INTERNATIONAL RESOLUTIONS THAT ARE DESIGNED TO PREVENT UNLICENSED OR ILLEGAL USE OF THE AID. The license rights granted under this EAU(B)LA are limited to the first thirty (30) days after you first receive the AID, unless you supply information required to deliver-and-distribute your licensed copy in the manner described during the delivery-and-distribution sequence (unless the Aid-Supplier has delivered-and-distributed for you).

You can deliver-and-distribute the AID through the use of the road, rail, sea and air INFRASTRUCTURE; toll charges may apply; please be aware that these vary between regions and according to proportions of marauding bandits. You may also need to re-distribute the AID if your household or community changes or when additional AID is received; new toll charges will apply each time AID is distributed.

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

MacroAid - A Libel Case in Two Parts. Part One.

Recently, Bill Gates announced to the world that come 2008, his role as head of Microsoft would become part-time and less hands-on. In return, 'Billionaire Buffet' (first-name actually Warren, but it would have been amazing forethought by his parents to call him that. Just like Mr and Mrs Chandelier, with their "erotica-actress" daughter, Crystal) decided that he, as perhaps the second-richest man in the world (amazingly, this kind of list can get rather confused at the top) would give most of his money to the world's richest man - or rather, his charitable foundation.

Bill and his wife Melinda are quite well known for their philanthropy, but I couldn't help but wonder upon hearing the news that Bill (it's okay for me to call you Bill, isn't it Bill?) was going to effectively stop running Microsoft, whether he would take control of the 'Gates Foundation' instead? And if he did, would he apply the same business techniques that made the EU and the American government tremble?

This set my mind a-whirring and the result presented here is merely the first part of a special Evidential Two-Parter that will one day be used to convict me of libel. Or get me on Newsnight. Hmmm, Paxman? Or prison? Don't rush me, I'm still thinking......




The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation Aid Report, 2020.


WaterAid 2k19

WaterAid 2k19 has finally completed the closed alpha testing stage and is now open to the public in beta form. All Third World communities with populations under 20,000, with a journey of 25 miles or greater to their nearest freshwater supply, are now eligible to sign up for the next testing stage. Beneficiaries of WaterAid 1, WaterAid 2k12 and WaterAid for Networked Communities can all upgrade to the beta for free.

Participants should be aware that as this is not a final Aid product as of yet, some bugs may still be present within the water.

GF Sight Express

Gates Foundation Sight Express is an exciting new Aid product, designed to enable those who suffer from mild to total blindness in developing nations to access modern, Western medical technology, but without the complexity and wealth of features offered by its sister Aid product, GF Sight Pro. End-Aid-Users (beneficiaries) can rest assured that GF Sight Express still retains all the core benefits of GF Sight Pro, such as laser-eye treatment and retina-grafting, all bundled together in a streamlined Aid package that would be suitable for the smaller vision-impaired household or community.

Licenses for GF Sight Express are available in single and community volumes. Existing licenses become void if beneficiaries move communities and new licenses must be purchased, or Aid must be returned.

Study Explorer 3

A whole raft of new features have been incorporated into the latest Aid study product, including new schools for Third World communities with 15 or more children, text books with 18.36% more lines, and support for an extra 17 languages. Upgrades from previous incarnations of Study Explorer will probably require infrastructure investment, as Study Explorer 3 delivery cannot take place on Study Explorer 1- or 2-compatible roads, unless they were built to the WorldAid Vision Ready standard. WorldAid Vision Compliant roads will suffice in the majority of cases, but End-Aid-Users should be aware that the lower security of Compliant roads may result in increased security vulnerabilities. AidSecure 3000 is therefore recommended as a companion to Compliant
communities, as it helps to prevent attacks from trojan pick-ups and guarantees the safe delivery of Aid products.

Study Explorer 3 is not compatible with similar Aid services, particularly those from corporate-funded programmes, e.g. Pepsi Kool Skool, or Apple’s iLearn, among others.

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Monday, July 31, 2006

Shift F7 - The Most Valuable Shortcut An English Undergraduate Can Learn.

I do not like blogs. I have little to no interest in whether people's favourite colour is blue or yellow; nor why they are such tortured souls that are different to all of their brethren, as demonstrated through their unique decision to wear lots of black clothing and eye make-up and drink cider beyond the age of thirteen in locales mildly more varied than parks; nor what amusing stunts their cat can do when glued to a skateboard and sent careening through rush-hour traffic.

Although I would watch the latter on YouTube. But any glimmer of amusement discovered upon my visage would merely be there as a result of some higher form of comedy, observed from my condescendingly superior viewpoint and no doubt directed at the author of that content. Yes.

I do, of course, realise that there are many other forms of blog - I read several gaming and gadget blogs, but I choose to perceive these as electronic magazines. This re-interpretation of reality brings forth ego-massaging and conscience-soothing, as I inform myself that I am doing my part to slow down the destruction of our precious trees, which in turn helps to balance out the loss of toilet-based reading material (loo-lit).

I also realise the inherent irony of not only creating a blog myself, but also of choosing to create it within blogger.com. But I am out of options; I have created Shift F7 as an outlet for my opinions - the articles that I would love to write for newspapers, but never seem to get around to even starting. For without this digital soapbox, I am certain that my friends and family, although they love me dearly (for reasons unknown) will otherwise soon have me gagged and bound and deposited in Ulster, clad only in a sandwich board bearing the slogan "Cromwell > The Pope" on the front and "What Potato Famine?" on the back.
Not because they are an especially blood-thirsty lot (although several do have beady eyes, that dart left and right to ominous music whenever they are observed from a distance), but they would do this in order to cease my incessant ramblings about the Middle East Peace Crisis, or economic injustice, or smoking, or everything published within the Daily Mail. Things that really get my goat - or the four-legged ovine herbivore of your choice. Sheep, Alpaca, Yaks, even Llamas. Llamas are good.

So, contained in this 'blog' will be articles that I have a desire to write, on subjects about which my passion ranges from 'deep' and 'vociferous' to 'shallow' and 'ambivalent'. Or in Big Brother 7 terms, in order to appeal to a wider cross-section: from Imogen to Nikki.

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